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The New Fatherhood: Daily Summaries Delivered
by Kevin Maguire
"Like one big group text with other guys fumbling their way through fatherhood."— Esquire www.thenewfatherhood.org
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- 1 weeks ago51 min
This Is Your Brain on Kids with Darby Saxbe
As previously documented in these missives, after my second child was born, I fell apart. I didn’t want to be around family or friends. All the joy had been sucked out of my life. It took me months to call it what it was: depression. When I looked for answers, I found none. Because no one was asking how dads were doing.I didn’t know then what I know now: my life wasn’t just going through a fundamental shift—my body was, too. My hormones were changing. My brain was reshaping itself around my son. And nobody told me this because, back in the hazy days of 2019, no one was asking those questions.Thankfully, things are changing. Researchers are finally putting dads under the microscope and into the MRI machine. What they’re finding would have helped me make sense of those early months, and could help the millions of men who become dads every year.Earlier this month, I spoke with one of the researchers leading that charge. Darby Saxbe is a professor of psychology at the University of Southern California and the author of Dad Brain: The New Science of Fatherhood and How It Shapes Men’s Lives. Darby has spent years studying dads’ brains and the changes that happen when we begin caring for the tiny humans we’ve invited into our lives. We’ll get into why that shrinking brain is really a renovation, why the research says that dad bod is for the best, and why you and your partner sink or swim together.This season of The New Fatherhood is presented by Matic. Matic was founded by two fathers who love technology and wanted to spend less time cleaning the house and more time playing with their kids. That’s about as on-brand for this newsletter as it gets. It’s a floor-cleaning robot that vacuums and mops on its own, builds a 3D map of your house using onboard cameras, and keeps all that data on the device rather than in the cloud. WIRED gave it a 10/10, the only perfect score their reviewer had given in over a decade. Readers of The New Fatherhood get a free annual bag pass; go to maticrobots.com/fatherhood and take vacuuming and mopping off your chore list.Subscribe to the PodcastSpotifyApple PodcastsYouTubePocket CastsWhere to Find Darby SaxbeDarby’s websiteDarby’s book Dad Brain: The New Science of Fatherhood and How It Shapes Men’s LivesEpisode ReferencesThe New Fatherhood Therapy FundThe New Fatherhood Mental Health Checkpoint—everything I’ve written about dads’ mental health can be found hereOlly Murs’ before-and-after photos—the viral moment that proved the dad bod has fansThe 7 Up series—the British longitudinal documentary that’s just wrapped at 70, and the inspiration for Darby’s seven-year follow-up studyBoyhood—Richard Linklater’s twelve-years-in-the-making filmThe Aka and Kipsigis tribes—how fatherhood varies by cultureTimestamps0:00 — Intro2:38 — The daughter of a divorced dad8:32 — A shrinking, more efficient brain10:05 — Animal dads14:06 — Culture shapes fatherhood20:32 — Dad bods23:43 — Myth: Testosterone equals masculinity33:11 — Diaper changes across the generations36:36 — GenZ dads, neo-trad dads41:39 — Maternal gatekeeping and weaponized incompetence47:00 — Adolescence is dad’s time to shine47:45 — Depression and anxiety, mental health, is real for dadsCreditsHost: Kevin Maguire<
- Sep 23, 202647 min
“Why Am I Broken?” Parenting, Shame, and the ADHD Brain with Jesse J Anderson
Welcome back to season three of The New Fatherhood podcast.Life with children can often feel overwhelming. And, in a way, that’s what this episode is all about.But before you hit play, I have to confess something.This interview was recorded three years ago. Not last month. Not over the summer. Three years ago, I sat down with a writer and father of three Jesse J Anderson, also known as ADHD Jesse. I asked him everything I could think of about ADHD and came away from that conversation promising myself that I was going to book myself an assessment to find out if I had ADHD too.And then I did nothing. For three years. Why? Because nothing was on fire. There was no deadline. Nobody was waiting on it. Jesse was generous with his time and his experience, and I repaid him by leaving our conversation in edit purgatory for years.I’ve always struggled to understand my relationship with effort and output. I’ve been writing the newsletter, almost weekly, for five years. I wrote a book. I’ve read every productivity book there is. I built systems for everything. But somewhere in my thirties it started to dawn on me that they weren’t systems at all—they were coping mechanisms. Scaffolding I’d built around something I couldn’t see and had never named.Here’s what my life actually looks like behind the curtain: I can’t start anything without a deadline thundering towards me. The newsletter goes out once a week, and that’s the only reason it goes out at all. I’m terrified of being told no in a way that is completely out of proportion. There’s a name for this, you’ll hear Jesse explain it, and when I first came across it I had to close my laptop to go for a walk. It’s why I can spend years writing a book and then find it almost physically impossible to send an email that tells anyone it exists.There’s a gap I think about a lot. And it isn’t the gap between being a good dad and a bad one. But the gap between the dad you are, in your worst moment, and the one you aspire to be. We treat that gap as a character flaw. But what if it isn’t? What if something has always been there, invisible, pulling the strings—and you’ve spent forty years blaming yourself?Jesse knows all about that gap. In this episode, you’ll hear us talking about t-shirt tags and lunchtime detention. About the four things that actually motivate the ADHD brain, and why “because it’s important” isn’t one of them. And we talk about watching your own kid struggle with the same things you struggle with, and how it feels to know precisely what’s coming.Make sure to listen to the end, because when this is over, I’ll tell you what happened when I finally did the thing I promised all those years ago.This season of The New Fatherhood is presented by Matic. Matic was founded by two fathers who love technology and wanted to spend less time cleaning the house and more time playing with their kids. That’s about as on-brand for this newsletter as it gets. It’s a floor-cleaning robot that vacuums and mops on its own, builds a 3D map of your house using cameras on board, and keeps all that data on the device rather than in the cloud. WIRED gave it a 10/10, the only perfect score their reviewer had given in over a decade. Readers of The New Fatherhood get a free annual bag pass; go to maticrobots.com/fatherhood and take vacuuming and mopping off your chore list.Also brought to you by MV.Health. Becoming a parent changes your body in ways nobody warns you about. Tenuto 2 is an award-winning, FDA-registered wearable device clinically proven to increase erectile firmness by 2x. It features 4 motors and 16 intensity levels that increase arousal for both you and your partner. No pills, no prescriptions. Science-backed, doctor-recommended technology you can use at home, on your own terms — plus it’s FSA/HSA eligible. Save 50% at MV.Health. Subscribe to the PodcastSpotifyApple PodcastsYouTubePocket CastsWhere to Find Jesse* Extra Focus newsletter at extrafocus.com* Extra Focus: The Quick Start Guide to Adult ADHD at <a targe
- Jul 16, 20261h 10m
Fatherhood Killed My Ego, with SOHN
We all carry around an idea of success—the job promotion we crave, the car that’ll make strangers on the street crane their necks in jealousy, the beautiful house that turns visitors quiet as they walk through the front door. Fewer ask where these ideas come from. Mostly, they’re absorbed from our parents, from culture, and from the other dads we compare ourselves to without meaning to.We spend our lives chasing these ghosts. But nobody warns you what’s on the other side—what might happen if you get everything you wanted and end up feeling hollow. For this month’s podcast, I sat down with my good friend Toph—known to the rest of the world as SOHN, the British artist and producer behind the albums Tremors and Trust. SOHN signed a record deal with 4AD, played Coachella and the late-night US TV circuit, and has spent well over a decade living the “artist dream” while raising three boys. Six years ago, we met in the lift of a Barcelona hotel, and eventually bonded over something neither of us saw coming: an episode of depression after the birth of our second child.We pulled each other through that dark time, with long walks and honest conversations. Just before the launch of his fourth album Albadas (Dawn Songs), we sat down in his studio to talk about all of it. This is the most honest conversation about success, money and creative identity I’ve ever heard from a dad in the public eye. We talk about his five-year creative block, the album that only arrived when he stopped writing as SOHN and started writing as a dad, what it does to your head when your creative output is tied to the food you put on your kids’ plates—and why, when what he was chasing turned out to be a trap, he sold the dream house, killed the ego he’d spent so long protecting, and started again.Listen and Subscribe On …SpotifyApple PodcastsYouTubePocket CastsWhere to Find SOHN* SOHN’s website* His new ambient album Albadas (Dawn Songs)—stream it everywhere or grab the limited vinyl/CD on Bandcamp* Trust—the album we discuss throughout, drenched in themes of fatherhood* Follow him on InstagramEpisode References* Trust (2022)—SOHN’s third album, written after a five-year block* Tremors (2014) and “The Wheel”—where the world first heard SOHN* The Streets—the Mike Skinner problem: what do you write about when the drama’s gone?* Oasis, Be Here Now—the Rolls-Royce in the swimming pool* Elliott Smith and Nick Drake—and the myth of great art made in depression* Kevin’s essay: “How to Raise Tiny Humans Without Losing Your Mind”—The Tunnel, and coming out of it at five yearsTimestamps0:00 — a new definition of success0:46 — a conversation between good friends2:01 — the fantasy of the artistic dream4:14 — neck pain and stress7:09 — what shocked SOHN about fatherhood: patience, autonomy, silence8:50 — from one kid to two kids12:58 — paternal postnatal depression14:51 — great artist vs. stable force: the identity collision18:44 — the five-year creative block20:42 — having nothing to say22:26 — Tundra, the record nobody heard
- Jun 12, 202653 min
Think Like A Kid Again, with Austin Kleon
For a hundred years, parents attempting to undertake creative endeavours have had a ready-made excuse, courtesy of Cyril Connolly: “The enemy of art is the pram in the hall.”Kids, the thinking goes, are where creativity goes to die. But Austin Kleon thinks Connolly got it exactly backwards.This month on the podcast, I sat down with Austin—author of the New York Times bestselling trilogy Steal Like an Artist, Show Your Work and Keep Going—to talk about his new book, Don’t Call It Art: 10 Ways to Create Like a Kid Again. This book is a love letter to his two sons, and a collection of everything they taught him about creativity.Austin spent his career helping people tap into their creative potential, Then his kids arrived, and he realised he wasn’t the teacher anymore. He was, in his words, “the apprentice to the beginners,” the studio assistant in his own home, saving the drawings, keeping the paper trail, and watching two small artists figure out how to “let it rip.”We talk about why children aren’t an obstacle to your creative life but an opportunity for it to grow, the gentle art of benevolent neglect, and how watching your kids create might be the best way to quiet your own inner critic—and re-parent the artist you used to be.Subscribe to the Podcast* Spotify* Apple Podcasts* YouTube* Pocket CastsWhere to Find Austin Kleon* Buy Don’t Call it Art* Read his blog, especially the parenting tag* Subscribe to his newsletter* Follow him on InstagramEpisode ReferencesBooks & Essays* The Element: How Finding Your Passion Changes Everything by Sir Ken Robinson* The Idle Parent Manifesto by Tom Hodgkinson* Bringing Up Bebe by Pamela Druckerman* Several Short Sentences About Writing by Verlyn Klinkenborg* 100 Essays I Don’t Have Time To Write by Sarah Ruhl* The Argonauts by Maggie Nelson* Hold Still: A Memoir with Photographs by Sally Mann* Playing With My Son by Andy Baio* Heidi’s Horse by Sylvia Fein* American Elf by James KochalkaFeatured Artists, Musicians & Innovators* John Baldessari – The legendary conceptual artist whose revolutionary “Post-Studio Art” teaching style shaped a generation of creators.* Creative Growth: Childhood to Maturity at MoMA – The historic 1939 solo exhibition tracking artist Dahlov Ipcar’s development from a young child to an adult.* Lynda Barry – The MacArthur-winning cartoonist, author of What It Is, and professor of interdisciplinary creativity.* Ruth Asawa – The brilliant San Francisco wire sculptor who believed art education should be accessible to all childre
- Apr 17, 202653 min
The Good Side of Anger with Sam Parker
We've all been told that anger is a problem—something to control, suppress, or apologise for. But what if the real problem isn't that we have too much anger, but that we have no idea what to do with it?This month on the podcast, I sat down with Sam Parker—senior editor at British GQ and author of Good Anger: How Rethinking Rage Can Change Our Lives—to dig into why so many fathers have a broken relationship with this most fundamental emotion. Sam argues that anger isn't the enemy. Aggression is. And that learning to feel anger without shame or fear might be one of the most important things we can do—for ourselves, our partners, and our kids.We talk about the moment each of us realised we'd been burying our anger for decades, what happens in your body when a boundary gets crossed, and why repairing after you've lost your temper matters more than never losing it in the first place.Subscribe to the PodcastSpotifyApple PodcastsYouTubePocket CastsWhere to Find Sam ParkerSam's websiteFind Sam’s book Good Anger on Amazon and Bookshop.orgThe Good Father newsletter on SubstackEpisode ReferencesThe Whole-Brain Child by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne BrysonThe Gottman Institute: The Four HorsemenKevin's essay: "Where's My Jenny?"The New Fatherhood Therapy FundInside Out (Pixar, 2015)Timestamps00:00 — welcome to the anger episode03:39 — meet Sam's family: Jessie, baby Olive, and life in Kent04:32 — rethinking what anger is for05:18 — when anger gets swept under the carpet06:15 — suppression vs. aggression: the anger problem nobody talks about07:10 — the "I don't really get angry" myth9:49 — anger does not have to equal violence12:39 — how anger can manifest in the body14:06 — what is "good anger"?14:48 — the discomfort caveat17:45 — Sam's boxing breakthrough19:11 — anger can be clarifying20:44 — how anger hijacks the brain27:50 — managing anger between siblings33:05 — getting mad near a newborn39:00 — dad's role was disciplinarian42:24 — resentment as anger's cousin Get full access to The New Fatherhood at www.thenewfatherhood.org/subscribe
- Mar 11, 202639 min
Dads Get Messy at This Year’s Oscars, with Bilge Ebiri
From Jay Kelly to Sentimental Value to One Battle After Another, Oscar season 2025 is overflowing with dads—absent ones, ambitious ones, ones who chose career over family and are now reckoning with the cost. We dig into how this year's best films moved beyond the “scary dad" trope to give us fathers who are flawed, human, and genuinely complicated, and what that shift says about how the world is thinking about fatherhood right now.CreditsHost: Kevin MaguireManaging Producer: Elizabeth Van BrocklinSound Editor: Sam WilliamsTheme Music: SohnMore of Bilge’s work:Bilge’s writing on VultureBilge’s dad’s film notebooks Review of Train Dreams Review of Jay Kelly Review of Hamnet Review of One Battle After Another Bilge’s Dad WatchlistThe ChampThe ShiningBigger Than LifeTrain DreamsJay KellyOne Battle After AnotherWalking with DinosaursOther show references:Subscribe to TNF newsletter Kevin’s essay on Train DreamsTimestamps00:00 Hello00:31 Becoming Nemo’s Dad03:30 Let’s talk movies!05:00 Film diaries c. 1940s06:10 Apocalypse Now07:20 Present dad award10:43 Core memory of The Shining15:00 Masculinity crisis16:48 [SPOILERS] Train Dreams19:15 Providing vs. protecting19:58 [SPOILERS] Hamnet20:20 [SPOILERS] Sentimental Value21:04 [SPOILERS] Jay Kelly23:50 [SPOILERS] More Train Dreams 27:24 [SPOILERS] Leo is best film dad 29:10 The Shining easter egg31:21 Letting go in the teen years33:00 Watching movies with your kids36:43 The outcast dinosaur Get full access to The New Fatherhood at www.thenewfatherhood.org/subscribe
- Feb 10, 202638 min
The Unexpected Loneliness of Fatherhood with Sam Graham-Felsen
Why do so many dads lose touch with their friends — and why does no one talk about it?Kevin Maguire sits down with writer Sam Graham-Felsen for a candid conversation about male loneliness, modern masculinity, and the friendships fathers quietly need but rarely prioritise. From the myths of toughness to the courage it takes to reach out, this episode challenges the idea that men are supposed to do parenthood alone.Where to Find Sam Graham-FelsenWebsite: https://www.samgf.comSam's novel "Green": https://www.amazon.com/Green-Novel-Sam-Graham-Felsen/dp/0399591141Episode ReferencesSam’s Badlands essay: “I Tried to Toughen Up My Son. Things Didn’t Go as Planned.” https://www.nytimes.com/2025/10/19/magazine/national-parks-badlands-roosevelt-south-dakota.htmlSam’s essay on male loneliness: “Where Have All My Deep Male Friendships Gone?" https://www.nytimes.com/2025/05/25/magazine/male-friendships.htmlKevin’s essay, “Where’s My Jenny?” https://www.thenewfatherhood.org/p/wheres-my-jennyBrooklyn Stroll Club (example of dads building community): https://brooklynstrollclub.substack.com/p/welcome-to-brooklyn-stroll-clubMan of the Year podcast episode on the “TCS method” (Text/Call/See): https://bleav.com/shows/man-of-the-year/episodes/86-how-often-should-you-see-your-friends-aka-the-tcs-method/Theodore Roosevelt and the Strenuous Life: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Strenuous_LifeDadurdays: IRL meetups in a city near you https://www.thenewfatherhood.org/p/introducing-dadurdays-irl-meetupsMen calling to wish each other goodnight https://vm.tiktok.com/ZNRyyCCyx/Ray Charles — "America the Beautiful" (YouTube): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2FXN1Z6Q004Bruce Springsteen — "Badlands" (Official Lyric Video, YouTube): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a-ME4n-mKKcWoody Guthrie — "This Land Is Your Land" (YouTube): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wxiMrvDbq3sTimestamps00:00 — Why adult men lose friendships (and why it matters)02:00 — The loneliness gap in early fatherhood: “Where are the people checking on me?”04:00 — The first time Sam felt like a dad (Prospect Park leaf walks)08:00 — The Badlands trip, Theodore Roosevelt, and the myth of “toughening up your son”12:00 — Bullying, humiliation, and how confidence collapses in unexpected places15:00 — What’s changing for boys (gender norms) vs what’s worsening (cyberbullying)18:00 — Helping kids pick friends: “nice” and shared interests over status21:00 — Writing publicly about loneliness: why it’s hard, and why it lands22:00 — The cultural script: dads should provide, achieve… and outgrow friendship23:00 — Friendship as the most underrated mental health strategy25:00 — “Where’s my Jenny?” + being the dad who reaches out first26:00 — The “intruder dad” feeling in mum-heavy parenting spaces29:00 — Dad Days + WhatsApp groups: you get out what you put in33:00 — TCM/TCS method: text weekly, call monthly, see quarterly35:00 — Why phone calls are weirdly hard (and how to make them work)36:00 — Voice notes + “private podcasts” as friendship glue37:00 — The “asynchronous book club” idea Get full access to The New Fatherhood at www.thenewfatherhood.org/subscribe
- Feb 2, 202435 min
The Great Screen Time Debate with Jacqueline Nesi
On Screen Time, like with so many parenting conundrums, theres no right answer, but there’s a whole world of others parents who will tell you that you’re doing it wrong. We need better guidance to help us navigate through these issues, and that’s why I’m thankful for the work being done by Dr Jacqueline Nesi in her excellent newsletter Techno Sapiens. I’ve found it an essential resource to help me understand more about the challenges I face as a parent today, enabling me to make decisions based on data, not fear, and to enable me to prepare for what comes next, as my kids get older and mobile phones and social media move into the frame.Key Timings:Introduction to Jackie Nesi and Parental Tech Fears (00:00-02:18)Jackie discusses parents' concerns about technology and screen time, with Kevin reflecting on her journey from academia to writing.Screen Time and Childhood Development (02:18-06:01)Delving into the role of technology in children's lives, discussing the impact of various screen activities and guidelines for young children.Influence of Parental Tech Habits (06:01-10:48)Conversation about how parents' technology use affects children, including the concept of 'technoference' and co-viewing as family bonding.Managing Screen Time and Discipline (10:48-16:18)Jackie talks about setting screen time rules, consistency in parenting, and alternatives to screen activities.Parenting Teenagers in a Digital World (16:18-23:25)Strategies for disciplining teenagers around technology and considerations for when to give children phones.Closing Thoughts on Balanced Digital Parenting (23:25-32:05)Concluding advice on navigating the balance between technology's risks and benefits in parenting.You can sign up for Techno Sapiens here. Get full access to The New Fatherhood at www.thenewfatherhood.org/subscribe
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"Like one big group text with other guys fumbling their way through fatherhood."— Esquire www.thenewfatherhood.org
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